Hurtful Help

“Thanks, but no thanks” is an expression likely all of us understands.  Despite many good intentions, sometimes people do not realize that their perceived help (usually unsolicited) is actually detrimental and hurtful.  Co-dependency is necessary to make life easier and to exude feelings of being cared for, protected, and of value.  However, co-dependency can also be tiresome, irritating, and hurtful. 

Luckily, I do not have a difficult time putting into boxes what and who I will or will not put up with.  What I have attained in aging is the continual growth in ease of setting aside those things and people causing hurt, frustration, and angst within my soul.  Every person has a will, and every person has the right to exercise it; and unless it causes harm, no one else has the right to try to dictate it.  So many relationships turn sour because someone tries to control someone else’s choices.  How many of us like someone trying to control us?  As soon as I hear someone say to me, “I want you to …,” or “I don’t want you to …,” I start shutting down and distancing myself.  It has taken me years to develop that skill; but, praise God, I have. 

As children, we feel unable to turn away from people who think differently about what is best for us because we are dependent on them to some degree.  But that learned behavior as children can be so engrained that we retain it as adults.  And if we find ourselves in a position of being able to bestow our preferred behaviors on someone else, all too often we take advantage of doing so.  It’s the mentality of ‘I’m going to do to someone else what has been done to me.’ 

A woman has reiterated repeatedly her opposition to my involvement in some voluntary activities.  Through several venues, I have learned about to whom responsibilities belong, how to stand firm on boundaries I have set for myself to increase my own sense of serenity, and how to hop off the negative co-dependency train.  I am well aware that every person, even ones living under the same roof, has a unique life story and path.  What perturbs one person may be of no concern to another.  What one dreams of having another may prefer to do without.  Where there is sincerely good intent, we might brainstorm with each other about the wisdom behind our choices; but we have no right to lecture, nag or entice someone else to cease doing something that is meaningful or enjoyable to that individual unless, as stated earlier, it is harmful to someone else.

Any time I have the urge to tell someone what to do or state more than twice what my opinion is about something another person says or does, I stop and ask myself if that person is doing something that is harmful to me.  Secondly, I have to decide if the other person’s behavior is acceptable in my home or elsewhere.  I can determine what I will or will not allow to be in my own home.  In the outside world, I have the right to determine to what extent I will be tolerant before my option becomes the necessity for me to remove myself from someone else’s area of influence on me.  Even if I believe a person has good intentions when voicing an opinion or making demands on me, I have to discern how I want to live my life and then incorporate or discard the thoughts and wishes of anyone else.  Hopefully, my little routine lessens any tendency to manipulate or dictate someone else’s life and keeps me from being a suffocating nag.  On the flip side, allowing myself to only entertain that same courtesy from others enhances my joy and well being.  Not denying someone else their joy and well being is the gracious and right thing to do.

Copyright © September 2016 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland