“Thanks,
but no thanks” is an expression likely all of us understands. Despite many good intentions, sometimes
people do not realize that their perceived
help (usually unsolicited) is actually detrimental and hurtful. Co-dependency is necessary to make life easier
and to exude feelings of being cared for, protected, and of value. However, co-dependency can also be tiresome,
irritating, and hurtful.
Luckily,
I do not have a difficult time putting into boxes what and who I will or will
not put up with. What I have attained in
aging is the continual growth in ease of setting aside those things and people
causing hurt, frustration, and angst within my soul. Every
person has a will, and every person has the right to exercise it; and unless it
causes harm, no one else has the right to try to dictate it. So many relationships turn sour because someone
tries to control someone else’s choices.
How many of us like someone trying to control us? As soon as I hear someone say to me, “I want
you to …,” or “I don’t want you to …,” I start shutting down and distancing
myself. It has taken me years to develop
that skill; but, praise God, I have.
As
children, we feel unable to turn away from people who think differently about what
is best for us because we are dependent on them to some degree. But that learned behavior as children can be so
engrained that we retain it as adults.
And if we find ourselves in a position of being able to bestow our
preferred behaviors on someone else, all too often we take advantage of doing
so. It’s the mentality of ‘I’m going to
do to someone else what has been done to me.’
A
woman has reiterated repeatedly her opposition to my involvement in some voluntary
activities. Through several venues, I
have learned about to whom responsibilities belong, how to stand firm on
boundaries I have set for myself to increase my own sense of serenity, and how
to hop off the negative co-dependency train.
I am well aware that every person, even ones living under the same roof,
has a unique life story and path. What perturbs
one person may be of no concern to another.
What one dreams of having another may prefer to do without. Where there is sincerely good
intent, we might brainstorm with each other about the wisdom behind our choices;
but we have no right to lecture, nag or entice someone else to cease doing
something that is meaningful or enjoyable to that individual unless, as stated
earlier, it is harmful to someone else.
Any
time I have the urge to tell someone what to do or state more than twice what
my opinion is about something another person says or does, I stop and ask
myself if that person is doing something that is harmful to me. Secondly, I have to decide if the other
person’s behavior is acceptable in my home or elsewhere. I can determine what I will or will not allow
to be in my own home. In the outside
world, I have the right to determine to what extent I will be tolerant before
my option becomes the necessity for me to remove myself from someone else’s
area of influence on me. Even if I
believe a person has good intentions when voicing an opinion or making demands
on me, I have to discern how I want to live my life and then incorporate or discard
the thoughts and wishes of anyone else.
Hopefully, my little routine lessens any tendency to manipulate or
dictate someone else’s life and keeps me from being a suffocating nag. On the flip side, allowing myself to only
entertain that same courtesy from others enhances my joy and well being. Not denying someone else their joy and well being
is the gracious and right thing to do.
Copyright
© September 2016 by Maeke Ermarth
Ocean City, Maryland
