Two Sides of Gossiping

Gossip runs rampant everywhere, despite hearing that we should not do it .  The best I can do is to try to keep it in perspective.  Sometimes gossip is a good thing.  I've no doubt been kept from being a victim of people with sinister intentions because of the gossip I would hear about them.  Conversely, sometimes a negative impression I have about someone changes to me having a better opinion of him/her based on comments other people have made that allow me to see the person in a different light.  And numerous times when trying to get a gift for someone, it has been revealed through gossip what types of things a person likes and appreciates.  Very helpful!

On my side, if I have something to contribute to a conversation about someone, I try (albeit not always successfully) to remember to question my own intention for doing so because I am the one who will have to live with the consequences of my words.  Secondly, I need to ask myself if I am stating facts or am I just "spinning" unfounded speculation?  Especially during the holiday season, when so many emotions tend to surface and anxieties increase, it is worthwhile to take a few minutes to justly filter what we hear and say before we digest it.  And then continue that practice throughout the year.  Happy holidays!

Copyright © November 2017 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, MD

Removing History

A group obtains a legal permit to protest. Okay -- that has gone on for as long as I can remember. By being granted a permit allows a group to carve out an area to exercise the right(s) it is granted via the permit. This country allows for freedom of speech, rights to personal opinions, and the right to demonstrate/protest. Many states allow residents to "carry" a variety of weapons -- some of which need to be registered, some of which require background checks of the purchaser. The KKK and a variety of other "not popular" groups have obtained permits for parades, protests, and events. Some have taken place without incident, others have not. "Popular" groups have the same rights. Personally, I see that as a beautiful thing.

What is NOT a beautiful thing is when the law is broken. The USA has laws against violence, destruction of property, obstruction of rights, arson, manslaughter, and the list goes on and on. ANYONE who breaks the law needs to be willing to accept the consequences of doing so. If the people of Charlottesville, VA, objected to the white nationalists being allowed to protest, then the group should have never been granted the permit to do so. However, for decades they have obtained permits across this nation for various events. The outrage this time is, in large part, because Trump is in office; and his NY style of delivering messages is not very eloquent. So the whole thing has turned into a soap opera because comments bounce off another, and another, and another.

We need to look at facts and reality. One person goes WAY off the edge (and hopefully that person will be prosecuted to the highest extent, along with subsequently everyone else who broke the law on ALL sides of the fence), and a mini-war breaks out. The flames are fanned with the media as well as a lot of people holding onto old vendettas. Removal of Lee's statue was already decided. Fine. The white nationalists obtained a permit to protest. Fine. Anti-protesters showed up to signify their disgust. Fine. Violence erupted. Criminal. A killing and lots of injuries ensued. Not acceptable. Time to disperse the crowds, sort through who did what to whom, and let every criminal act be judged and the perpetrators sentenced.

As for the racial and history arguments? Are we so pathetically naive as to not value history and recognize that it certainly has a part to play? And are we so insensitive that we cannot come to some agreement on how to make our public places less offensive while at the same time not pretending the past never happened, despite the artifacts being proof it did? There are places that accommodate artifacts, and there are documentaries that bring understanding of how and why various events in the past took place.

Now there is talk of removing monuments to fallen Confederate soldiers. Does it not occur to people that some of their families, as a result of their personal loss of a loved one, came to have an altered perspective of life and what it means to be an American? Many southerners and some northerners, as a result of the Civil War, settled our western states with changed attitudes and ideas of how to be a better united country. We have become such a throw-away society that some of us are now even ready to throw away our deceased for, in my opinion, no valid reason. Just remember -- we all die. Does any of us just want to be tossed aside as though we never existed?
We in America need to get a grip and look at what we are doing. We need to cherish the freedoms we have, recognize that some groups are more "out there" than others, respect everyone's rights, and be accepting of who is acting within the limits of the law and be willing to prosecute those who are not.

Incivility and Anger

Recently a family member asked a few questions to which I responded as follows:

Who is to blame for the incivility and anger we see around us?

Me:  Immediate family members and, subsequently, society.

Who is responsible?

Me:  Every individual is responsible for himself/herself.

Who will step up with passionate humility for a respectful future in which we all learn to get along with respect, kindness and generosity?

Me:  It is not a question of who will step up. It is a question of who people will follow. If family and societal expectations are taught and then properly ingrained, individuals will choose role models who possess the "qualities" of humility and respectfulness.

In summary, people have become afraid or negligent of having expectations of their kids, parents, partners, etc.  We walk on eggshells to be politically correct and sidestep things that need to be directly addressed.  I believe people are getting tired of the shenanigans we've been "playing" since the 1960s and that the pendulum is swinging back to maturity.  I sure hope I’m right! Copyright © February 2017 by Maeke Ermarth                Ocean City, Maryland

Hurtful Help

“Thanks, but no thanks” is an expression likely all of us understands.  Despite many good intentions, sometimes people do not realize that their perceived help (usually unsolicited) is actually detrimental and hurtful.  Co-dependency is necessary to make life easier and to exude feelings of being cared for, protected, and of value.  However, co-dependency can also be tiresome, irritating, and hurtful. 

Luckily, I do not have a difficult time putting into boxes what and who I will or will not put up with.  What I have attained in aging is the continual growth in ease of setting aside those things and people causing hurt, frustration, and angst within my soul.  Every person has a will, and every person has the right to exercise it; and unless it causes harm, no one else has the right to try to dictate it.  So many relationships turn sour because someone tries to control someone else’s choices.  How many of us like someone trying to control us?  As soon as I hear someone say to me, “I want you to …,” or “I don’t want you to …,” I start shutting down and distancing myself.  It has taken me years to develop that skill; but, praise God, I have. 

As children, we feel unable to turn away from people who think differently about what is best for us because we are dependent on them to some degree.  But that learned behavior as children can be so engrained that we retain it as adults.  And if we find ourselves in a position of being able to bestow our preferred behaviors on someone else, all too often we take advantage of doing so.  It’s the mentality of ‘I’m going to do to someone else what has been done to me.’ 

A woman has reiterated repeatedly her opposition to my involvement in some voluntary activities.  Through several venues, I have learned about to whom responsibilities belong, how to stand firm on boundaries I have set for myself to increase my own sense of serenity, and how to hop off the negative co-dependency train.  I am well aware that every person, even ones living under the same roof, has a unique life story and path.  What perturbs one person may be of no concern to another.  What one dreams of having another may prefer to do without.  Where there is sincerely good intent, we might brainstorm with each other about the wisdom behind our choices; but we have no right to lecture, nag or entice someone else to cease doing something that is meaningful or enjoyable to that individual unless, as stated earlier, it is harmful to someone else.

Any time I have the urge to tell someone what to do or state more than twice what my opinion is about something another person says or does, I stop and ask myself if that person is doing something that is harmful to me.  Secondly, I have to decide if the other person’s behavior is acceptable in my home or elsewhere.  I can determine what I will or will not allow to be in my own home.  In the outside world, I have the right to determine to what extent I will be tolerant before my option becomes the necessity for me to remove myself from someone else’s area of influence on me.  Even if I believe a person has good intentions when voicing an opinion or making demands on me, I have to discern how I want to live my life and then incorporate or discard the thoughts and wishes of anyone else.  Hopefully, my little routine lessens any tendency to manipulate or dictate someone else’s life and keeps me from being a suffocating nag.  On the flip side, allowing myself to only entertain that same courtesy from others enhances my joy and well being.  Not denying someone else their joy and well being is the gracious and right thing to do.

Copyright © September 2016 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland