Incivility and Anger

Recently a family member asked a few questions to which I responded as follows:

Who is to blame for the incivility and anger we see around us?

Me:  Immediate family members and, subsequently, society.

Who is responsible?

Me:  Every individual is responsible for himself/herself.

Who will step up with passionate humility for a respectful future in which we all learn to get along with respect, kindness and generosity?

Me:  It is not a question of who will step up. It is a question of who people will follow. If family and societal expectations are taught and then properly ingrained, individuals will choose role models who possess the "qualities" of humility and respectfulness.

In summary, people have become afraid or negligent of having expectations of their kids, parents, partners, etc.  We walk on eggshells to be politically correct and sidestep things that need to be directly addressed.  I believe people are getting tired of the shenanigans we've been "playing" since the 1960s and that the pendulum is swinging back to maturity.  I sure hope I’m right! Copyright © February 2017 by Maeke Ermarth                Ocean City, Maryland

Does Utopia Exist?

The topic of one of my college courses taken many years ago was “Utopia.”  The class came to believe after many readings and discussions that utopia, at best, is a short-lived phenomenon.  Jump forward 18 years, and I now beg to differ.  In this world of people wanting precise definitions and everyone being on board to having the same definition, I again accept being the odd (wo)man out. 

As most who know me know, I spend a portion of my year on the east coast and the remainder in WY in our permanent residence.  Due to a family marriage, my 4-month stint (stretched into five) was done earlier than usual this year, giving me the full summer indulgence of being bordered with the ocean on the east, bay on the west, and large pond on the north of me.  (That alone is utopia to the lady who opts to be a dolphin in her next life.)  

During this year’s stay, I had conversations and experiences with a few friends that caused me to look deeply at my life from several angles.  Older friends reminded me that life is short, and gets shorter every day, so enjoy what I can.  A couple other friends reminded me that there can be stagnation and unwanted compromise and submission as years roll by.

Having always felt blessed by people who have come into or even just crossed my path prompted me to bring to my husband my desire to spend more time in the east coast residence these next two years.  Luckily, he understands my love for this environment equals his love for the mountains and the western way of life and supports my desire as it will include back-home trips in-between the times he opts not to join me in the east.

A few people are fascinated by this.  But the bottom line resides in the fact that the more I am granted freedom by people who surround me, the more attached I remain to them.  That’s not to say I shun what I consider responsibilities any person in a relationship -- despite what kind of relationship that might be -- should uphold.  But it does mean cherishing the love that allows someone else to let me experience people, places and things that are important to my mind, body and soul.  Through love, I grant the same to others.

Utopia?  I’ve found it because, for me, it lies in the quality of circumstances and people that/who surround me.  Family members and friends guide me, my husband and people I care about give back to me the freedoms and respect I give them, and I remain involved with groups that throughout life help me make the changes in and about myself that need changing so I can better walk the walk I talk.  Being forever impressed by and with the universe and basically thankful has certainly brought Utopia into my life permanently.

Copyright © September 2015 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland

Targeting Young Black Men - A Parent's Conversation

This week on Facebook was a video posted of a mother talking to her son about police profiling young black men with a comment that no mother should have to have that conversation with her son.  True, because “wise” people will examine all angles.  1) Why are young black men primarily the ones confronted?  2) Exactly who are the police protecting?  3) In the wide-angle lens, who is asking for protection?  Don’t jump on a bandwagon based only on “surface” information or from initial emotional feelings.  Do a little digging before solidifying your own point of view.  1) Young black men commit the majority of the crimes, proportionately – statistically proven time and again.  2) The police protect the public – that includes people who work in places of business, live on any given street, and who are being preyed upon by criminals.  3) Most help is requested from people being harmed or threatened or who in some other way are in need of assistance.

For years we lived just outside of Washington, DC.  It is not uncommon for small businesses where people approaching the establishment can be readily seen for even the black owners or employees to engage their automatic locking systems when they see black teens and men entering their places if of a certain age, clothed or acting a certain way, etc.  Most crime committed against a black victim is done by other black people.  When people of one race are skeptical about others of their own race, it boils down to learning who is most likely a threat or who is likely to be harmless.   The kid in the video says he stays indoors a good part of the time.  But if he’s not running with a gang (which would offer protection – so the thinking goes), he’s acting the way many other people his in his environment act because they are more likely to be targets of the rougher youngsters on the block than they are targets for the police. 

Keep in mind that the police protect most law-abiding residents, and that includes black residents.  It might be surprising to find statistics of how many officers are injured or killed while defending one black person against another.  Oh yeah, those facts are overlooked, aren’t they?  Rarely does the news media show stories of blacks who are grateful for service they were given from the police, and yet you can find those people every … single … day.  Probably even every … single … minute somewhere in these United States.

There used to be more stories and documentaries on public TV where neighborhoods, realizing their police departments were short staffed, took it upon themselves to set a higher standard for how to live and speak in their communities.  Realistic, responsible adults took on leadership roles to “clean up the hood” and be role models.  They did not buy into the pity parties that led to a victim mentality.  No.  They saw things for what they were, pushed up their shirt sleeves, and took care of business.

And it was not just the older adults getting involved.  Remember that in the late 1970s the Guardian Angels group was formed.  They still exist today.  They were very successful in NYC, and they became recognized worldwide (and still are).  These were mostly young thugs -- or people who would’ve potentially been good thugs -- who were fed up with crime and also fed up with no one jumping in to help alleviate the problem versus sitting back and just bitching or even adding to it.  Inaction or complacency can sometimes be just as harmful as the crimes being committed.  Requests from all over came in for the Guardian Angels’ assistance, and groups of Angels were formed in numerous places.  “Google” up the Guardian Angels to read about their history and also see their current web site depicting how they are still active today.  They continue to go through three months of training and remain loyal to and respectful of rules and rituals.  It’s worth learning about them, or recalling them to memory for those of us who already know about them.

So, the conversation every mother should have with her teen – male or female – is how to be a responsible, productive person; and accept the fact that sometimes the way you are treated is not against you personally but is based on the perception other people your age and color have imprinted on the minds of others.  Instead of always expecting other people to understand you, start trying to understand them!  If the perception is wrong where it concerns you, then behave in a way that will show others that you are the exception.  Then go a little further and step up to be a role model instead of someone hiding behind doors, expecting someone else to take care of unpleasant realities.

Many police departments provide the “ride along” program where a citizen can ride along with an officer during part of a shift.  I highly suggest everyone do that at least once.  I’ve done it, and the view can look a lot different when you’re in the other seat. 

Bottom line for every individual:  Be respectful and trustworthy towards others, and pray others will be respectful and trustworthy, too.

Copyright © December 2014 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland

This Thing Called Love

Not long ago, I was told love felt for a biological grand child is different from the love felt for a step-grand child.  I expressed my disagreement and pretty much let it drop.  The same lady has made this comment before.  I accept that, for her, that belief is true.  (Incidentally, she has no step-grand children.)

I have three step-grand children and believe I love them as much as I would a biological grand child (I do not have a blood-related grand child).  I understand many people, not just my friend, would dispute my opinion.  However, I also believe no person completely knows another person; in fact, I do not believe I know myself entirely (which is partly why I find "maturing" so fascinating).  Repeatedly I have witnessed my perceptions, feelings, and attitudes change over time.  So what makes me so sure I would love my step-grand children as much as a biological grand child?  The answer is because, although it may sound harsh, I have loved other non-blood-related people in my life as much as and often even more than my biological relatives. 

From where does my way of thinking and feeling come? It comes from my belief in God and my understanding of what He desires my belief to be.  Call me gullible, but since childhood I have believed the truest essence and purpose of life is to love what God has created and to take care of ourselves and others around us.  I also believe in His instruction to stay surrounded by others who love and care for me and remove myself from those who do not.  Fortunately, people who were and people who are excellent role models have raised me in the sense I believe a growing human being should be nurtured and guided.  Sadly, they are not my biological parents or siblings.  However, my relatives play and played a crucial part in forming the package I am, so there is much credit to be given to them as my life's journey would be much different without them.  I truly do cherish my life experiences, so thanks be to them.

I also accept the biblical instruction of a wife joining her husband's family.  In the case of extended families, this can be confusing and frustrating but also very rewarding.  Being a "step" anything has unique challenges, but spouses fare much better as a couple when they embrace each other's children.  My God has increasingly provided me with enough love to do that, and I will stand just as closely by my step-children's and step-grand children's sides as I will my blood-related daughter's side any moment of any day.  In time, I miss all of their voices and need to hear them on the phone if not able to do so in person.  If there are events to which I am able to attend, I do.  Luckily, I have no guilt of having favoritism.  I cherish each and every one of them in a very special way that cannot be "measured" one against the other. 

Other people's comments about how they believe I do or will feel are welcomed.  It gives me an outside-of-myself examination to perform.  This latest repeated statement has caused me to dig deep within, and I can honestly say that the extent of love I have for people who are special to me does not short change any of them.  I have seen this degree of love in other people as well, so I know this is not a personal fantasy.  I am so grateful for God's grace of love.  Because of it, what I consider to be "my family" stretches way beyond my biological family, and the joy in my life is so much more increased.  The ultimate thrill is my daughter's sense of kinship and family towards people -- of all ages -- she has met who she knows are a precious part of my life, as well as her feelings for her step siblings and their kids not even including a "step" in the equation of our family unit. 

The old saying about not fully understanding from where another person comes until you have walked in his/her shoes is so true.  Making assumptions comes so easily.  Accepting when we have missed the mark can sometimes be difficult.  We all make mistakes.  We all have the opportunity to learn about and improve ourselves and, hopefully, make fewer and fewer mistakes.  No doubt, I will forever be in the "classroom of learning."  But I am so indebted to what God has taught me Himself, and through the wonderful people in my life -- both alive and deceased, about the meaning of "love" and "family."  Oh -- it is so much more than a bloodline.  

Believe what you will; but to me, we really are all brother and sisters, and I will continue to abide with the ones who do not bring me down but rather help me climb to a higher standard of personal integrity and spirituality.  As for my daughter and my husband's kids and their families, there is no "step" in my heart.  To me, we are family, and I believe a strong one.  So, while I respect the love my friend has for her grand children, I praise and will continue to hold dear the amount of love I have been given the capacity to hold and give. 

Maeke Ermarth © January 1, 2012

Cheyenne, WY