PTS – Disorder or Condition?

I am questioning the "D" in PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) -- is it really a "disorder?"  Sometimes I hear it referred to in a radio commercial simply as PTS, without the "D" attached, which is what got me thinking about this.

It seems to me the mind and body are doing what they should do as a defense mechanism by responding immediately to sounds, smells, or activities associated with something -- or someone – that a person views as a threat or is disturbing to witness.  Being nervous or anxious and other symptoms of PTS is in response to being protectively "on guard."

I wonder, then, if we are mis-using the word "disorder" for PTSD, which has a negative connotation.  For sure, it is going into an extreme mode.  But to me, it seems more like a "condition" needing to be tempered versus a "disorder" that needs to be reversed or stopped.

Copyright © March 2019 by  Maeke Ermarth

               Cheyenne, WY

Get Out ... Wise Up

No price tag can be placed on the value of mingling with and speaking to people.  So much wisdom is relayed through actions and words.  We learn how we would like to be, how we should be, how we do not want to be, and how we should not be.  We also learn how much we are like other people which can be crucial in finding out a lot about ourselves – sometimes to the point of that knowledge being mentally, emotionally, or spiritually stabilizing. 

In my second year of being a Realtor®, my office broker emphasized the importance of getting out and talking to the everyday person.  No classroom, books, or in-office chit chat could educate us to the level that communicating with and experiencing the home buying, selling or renting process with potential clients could.  Oh, was he right!  And what peace of mind and self-assurance that added insight provided.

Although retired, most days of the week I am volunteering in areas that keep me in contact with people from various backgrounds and experiences.  In college I majored in psychology just out of my curiosity of how the mind, body and soul connect – not to go into the field on a professional level.  Not surprising, then, my ultimate entertainment is watching how people interact with their own selves as well as how they interact with each other. 

So often, through my volunteer segments, I am around people suffering in some way emotionally, spiritually or psychologically.  And frequently I see people in counseling capacities doing more dis-service to these people than serving them well.  Do I think the “professionals” do this intentionally?  To be honest, for the most part – no.  But I am pretty sure some do.  After all, if it’s of monetary benefit, greed and even a need to feel important can become powerful culprits.

I cannot begin to fathom how many tens of thousands of dollars I have probably saved over the years thanks to the education on a variety of topics I have gained by chatting with people at work but also getting myself into groups in my spare time – bible studies, book clubs, being a member of the League of Women Voters, attending Al-Anon meetings, helping out at community yard sales, being in an exercise class, going on or attending community hikes/bike rides/events, volunteering at the jail and VA Medical Center.  A few lessons I’ve learned, for example, are:

- Warding off depression, anxiety, victimization, boredom and procrastination.

- Learning how to deal with the effects of drug or alcohol use.

- Learning about available resources, contractors and experts for just about everything.

- Learning that behaviors a counselor was convinced needed massive group therapy sessions turned out to simply be a female mid-life shift “cured” with less than a year’s worth of hormone replacements.

- Escalating back pain over 10 yrs. was helped immensely in a yoga class which sparked my curiosity about acupuncture.  Three acupuncture sessions and I’ve had no problem since that I could not quickly remedy myself.  Whew!  No more chiropractor appointments or potential surgery.

- Reducing chronic arthritis in hands and wrists, the pain of which was greatly reduced by not consuming night-shade plants (in my case, particularly tomatoes & white potatoes).

- Totaling eliminating residual pain in hands and wrists with one platelet-rich-plasma (PRP) treatment.

- Applying mentholated chest rub to toenails to get rid of fungus (no prescription needed).

- Learning amazingly cheap and short-cut cleaning tips.

- Finding simple and inexpensive ways to provide pet care:  distemper shots/drops, nail clipping, dental care, ear care.

Yes – get out and continue life’s never-ending education.  You will be impressed with the number and variety of benefits you will gain in doing so!

Copyright © February 2016 by Maeke Ermarth

                   Cheyenne, WY

Does Utopia Exist?

The topic of one of my college courses taken many years ago was “Utopia.”  The class came to believe after many readings and discussions that utopia, at best, is a short-lived phenomenon.  Jump forward 18 years, and I now beg to differ.  In this world of people wanting precise definitions and everyone being on board to having the same definition, I again accept being the odd (wo)man out. 

As most who know me know, I spend a portion of my year on the east coast and the remainder in WY in our permanent residence.  Due to a family marriage, my 4-month stint (stretched into five) was done earlier than usual this year, giving me the full summer indulgence of being bordered with the ocean on the east, bay on the west, and large pond on the north of me.  (That alone is utopia to the lady who opts to be a dolphin in her next life.)  

During this year’s stay, I had conversations and experiences with a few friends that caused me to look deeply at my life from several angles.  Older friends reminded me that life is short, and gets shorter every day, so enjoy what I can.  A couple other friends reminded me that there can be stagnation and unwanted compromise and submission as years roll by.

Having always felt blessed by people who have come into or even just crossed my path prompted me to bring to my husband my desire to spend more time in the east coast residence these next two years.  Luckily, he understands my love for this environment equals his love for the mountains and the western way of life and supports my desire as it will include back-home trips in-between the times he opts not to join me in the east.

A few people are fascinated by this.  But the bottom line resides in the fact that the more I am granted freedom by people who surround me, the more attached I remain to them.  That’s not to say I shun what I consider responsibilities any person in a relationship -- despite what kind of relationship that might be -- should uphold.  But it does mean cherishing the love that allows someone else to let me experience people, places and things that are important to my mind, body and soul.  Through love, I grant the same to others.

Utopia?  I’ve found it because, for me, it lies in the quality of circumstances and people that/who surround me.  Family members and friends guide me, my husband and people I care about give back to me the freedoms and respect I give them, and I remain involved with groups that throughout life help me make the changes in and about myself that need changing so I can better walk the walk I talk.  Being forever impressed by and with the universe and basically thankful has certainly brought Utopia into my life permanently.

Copyright © September 2015 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland

Relative Differences

Relationships can be complex, confusing and frustrating -- and those within a family especially so.  Why?  Family members assume they all know each other like no one else can because of shared blood lines and stories in common.  But each family member has a unique perspective of the other members and events because of where each one stands, how each one is personally affected by those events, and how each one is regarded by the other relatives.  For this article, it is the “immediate family” being discussed – including “step” and “half” relatives.

From a child’s view, parents are providers of basic needs and the people to turn to for security, protection, health and survival.  For this reason, among others, children initially strive to have a continual relationship with their parents.  Depending on family dynamics, there are households where the children become the caretakers of the adults and/or other siblings.  In such homes it is not uncommon that it is the oldest child or older children who take on that role, but not always.  The way the care taking is performed has an effect on how it is received.  When done with love and compassion, it is usually easily accepted, welcomed, and even encouraged.  When done as an unwanted chore, it will probably be received up to a particular age, and then the recipient will likely become resentful of the caregiver if the caregiver does not stop playing the role of the commanding and demanding sibling.   

The way parents interact with a child influences that child’s feelings toward them as well as toward other siblings.  When a child feels wanted and parents show their enjoyment of being parents, a child harbors little or no fear or skepticism toward the parents.  If the child does not feel wanted and senses that parenting is an obligation and/or nuisance, the child will not likely develop an unencumbered joy of being a member of the family.  The same can also happen when it is evident that parents favor one or more children over another child, and it can create a wedge between siblings.

Old sayings usually arise out of frequency.  The one about there being a black sheep in every family suggests most, if not all, families have at least one person who is considered rather low in the pecking order and is the one most criticized and chastised.  Picking on a family member is either voluntary or is done so as to establish oneself on a higher ring of the ladder and not be a victim. 

In some families continual turmoil, chaos or drama is the glue that holds them together.  In others, it is what tears them apart.  Is there any resolve for the families that suffer broken ties?  I believe there is; but it takes a willingness of all participants to put feelings and perceptions out on the table for examination, explanation, and discussion … and for them to then be willing to understand and accept one another’s feelings, thoughts and beliefs without prejudice.  It may very well be that this could open a can of worms if anything is addressed that someone is unable to handle.  Everyone has a comfort zone, and the distance a person can step out of it without injury is different for each individual.  So if family members choose to engage in this type of communication to bring the family unit or members of a family closer together, willing participants should realize some backfiring could result and be ready to know when to change the topic or to place focus on someone or something else. 

Every individual would benefit from knowing what is personally needed from a family relationship and whether the comfort zone resides where everything is transparent, shaded, or completely draped.  If that cannot be attained, then it is time to step back, wish everyone well, move on to where the most comfort can be found.  It may result that making no changes is best.  Otherwise, there is always the option of creating a new family (which needs not be biological) for oneself!

Copyright © November 2013 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland

Family Obsessions

Thanks be to my Christian AND reincarnation beliefs, as they keep me grounded. I have come to realize that biological parents are merely the vessels through which I enter my current life. Other people in my life have filled the truer roles of "mother," "father," "sibling," etc., and they have no biological connection.

It is human nature to desire what we don't have. The Beaver Cleaver family kids have an attraction to some degree to the non-Beaver Cleaver family kids, and vice versa. "Good girls" find "bad boys" exciting. "Bad girls" look for the security of the "good boys." "Good boys" try to save "bad girls," and "bad boys" ... well, let's not even go there. Through maturity comes appreciation for what we have, even when it is not our preference. It gives meaning, sense, and VALUE to everyone and everything with whom and which we come into contact. My current lot in life is my stepping stone towards the ideal I will reach in my final life.

Reincarnation might be an actual physical death of this shell and a subsequent new life in a new shell further down the road, or reincarnation may be start with tomorrow's dawn. Through learning and understanding, I now know what people mean who believe that we choose our mothers, fathers, and siblings. It is not my death and then a search for a barren womb to begin my next life; rather, it is me making that choice in the here and now. My "mother" is a dear lady named Ginny. My "father" was a wonderful old Greek man who lived in CT. My "sisters" and "brothers" (even though I have no biological brothers) are a special few who God placed in my life to adopt me as their sister. Upon reaching this level of personal growth, the family obsessions and haunts will back off because, in reality, they are only a figment of imaginations and a distortion of the real definition of "family." The "ideal family" that is biologically related simply happens to be a group of people who are already compatible and suited for their roles within that family's structure.

Those are my beliefs, and they may or may not be right or accurate; but they serve me well.

Maeke ErmarthãOcean City, MD
               April 28, 2012

This Thing Called Love

Not long ago, I was told love felt for a biological grand child is different from the love felt for a step-grand child.  I expressed my disagreement and pretty much let it drop.  The same lady has made this comment before.  I accept that, for her, that belief is true.  (Incidentally, she has no step-grand children.)

I have three step-grand children and believe I love them as much as I would a biological grand child (I do not have a blood-related grand child).  I understand many people, not just my friend, would dispute my opinion.  However, I also believe no person completely knows another person; in fact, I do not believe I know myself entirely (which is partly why I find "maturing" so fascinating).  Repeatedly I have witnessed my perceptions, feelings, and attitudes change over time.  So what makes me so sure I would love my step-grand children as much as a biological grand child?  The answer is because, although it may sound harsh, I have loved other non-blood-related people in my life as much as and often even more than my biological relatives. 

From where does my way of thinking and feeling come? It comes from my belief in God and my understanding of what He desires my belief to be.  Call me gullible, but since childhood I have believed the truest essence and purpose of life is to love what God has created and to take care of ourselves and others around us.  I also believe in His instruction to stay surrounded by others who love and care for me and remove myself from those who do not.  Fortunately, people who were and people who are excellent role models have raised me in the sense I believe a growing human being should be nurtured and guided.  Sadly, they are not my biological parents or siblings.  However, my relatives play and played a crucial part in forming the package I am, so there is much credit to be given to them as my life's journey would be much different without them.  I truly do cherish my life experiences, so thanks be to them.

I also accept the biblical instruction of a wife joining her husband's family.  In the case of extended families, this can be confusing and frustrating but also very rewarding.  Being a "step" anything has unique challenges, but spouses fare much better as a couple when they embrace each other's children.  My God has increasingly provided me with enough love to do that, and I will stand just as closely by my step-children's and step-grand children's sides as I will my blood-related daughter's side any moment of any day.  In time, I miss all of their voices and need to hear them on the phone if not able to do so in person.  If there are events to which I am able to attend, I do.  Luckily, I have no guilt of having favoritism.  I cherish each and every one of them in a very special way that cannot be "measured" one against the other. 

Other people's comments about how they believe I do or will feel are welcomed.  It gives me an outside-of-myself examination to perform.  This latest repeated statement has caused me to dig deep within, and I can honestly say that the extent of love I have for people who are special to me does not short change any of them.  I have seen this degree of love in other people as well, so I know this is not a personal fantasy.  I am so grateful for God's grace of love.  Because of it, what I consider to be "my family" stretches way beyond my biological family, and the joy in my life is so much more increased.  The ultimate thrill is my daughter's sense of kinship and family towards people -- of all ages -- she has met who she knows are a precious part of my life, as well as her feelings for her step siblings and their kids not even including a "step" in the equation of our family unit. 

The old saying about not fully understanding from where another person comes until you have walked in his/her shoes is so true.  Making assumptions comes so easily.  Accepting when we have missed the mark can sometimes be difficult.  We all make mistakes.  We all have the opportunity to learn about and improve ourselves and, hopefully, make fewer and fewer mistakes.  No doubt, I will forever be in the "classroom of learning."  But I am so indebted to what God has taught me Himself, and through the wonderful people in my life -- both alive and deceased, about the meaning of "love" and "family."  Oh -- it is so much more than a bloodline.  

Believe what you will; but to me, we really are all brother and sisters, and I will continue to abide with the ones who do not bring me down but rather help me climb to a higher standard of personal integrity and spirituality.  As for my daughter and my husband's kids and their families, there is no "step" in my heart.  To me, we are family, and I believe a strong one.  So, while I respect the love my friend has for her grand children, I praise and will continue to hold dear the amount of love I have been given the capacity to hold and give. 

Maeke Ermarth © January 1, 2012

Cheyenne, WY

Expectations and Self Esteem

When I apply the "keep the focus on myself" concept, I go to a better "place."  When I either retain or create expectations of myself and give up expectations of anyone else, I find myself in a better frame of mind and heightened self esteem.  It coincides with all the times I have heard people say each person needs to take care of his/her side of the street, and let everyone else take care of theirs.  This may be harder for a parent to do because children will always be, in a parent's eyes, children -- regardless of age or position -- in need of parenting!  But, in reality, parents need to do this, too.

My initial gut feeling is that a good many people are irresponsible or miguided and that in order for a society to remain somewhat civil and functioning reasonably well, the competent members need to be the caretakers.  So, which is better -- having a populace that lives in a slipshod fashion and sticks to old habits, or having one that admires the characteristics of upstanding members to the extent that they change their own lives to emulate these role models?  I find the second choice more promising and lasting.  With that in mind, I find it easier to monitor myself to be as good an example as I can be and accept that other people need to choose their own life experiences.  Hopefully their choices will be to follow in an honorable role model's footsteps.

Is it better, then, to not have expectations?  I can learn not to have expectations of other people, but it is detrimental to my progress if I do not set expectations of and for myself.  I will keep learning better ways of thinking and perceiving that give me both greater understanding and peace of mind.  I will make it clear where I stand and how I feel about situations while not demanding that anyone adopt my ways for him/herself.  I will respect our differences but not allow myself to be drawn into situations that, or around people who, cause me angst.  Those are expectations I can make for myself that will make me feel I am doing and being the best I can.  Feeling that way increases my self esteem and gives me the impetus to keep striving for a good personal quality of life.

What Is My Part?

Making every situation a positive experience is nice.  Here are some examples of thinking patterns that work for me.

1) I go the doctor with a particular pain and am given a daily regime to get and then stay pain free.  Sure enough, I experience less and less pain.  In three weeks, all the pain is gone!  Two months later, pain returns. 

            2) My computer goes on the brink.  After trying to "fix" it myself for a couple hours, I call a technician and end up getting irritated with him for walking me through a process that includes doing a lot of things I already tried.  My irritation is quite evident.  The problem would've been corrected much faster if steps I had already done were not repeated.

            3) During a weekly meeting that has guidelines, I become frustrated that participants are not adhering to the guidelines; and I feel cheated out of hearing more relevant conversation.

            4) Sometimes I feel people take advantage of things I can do, or they do not appreciate the efforts I put into voluntarily doing things for them. 

Addressing the four circumstances above requires stepping back and getting into a mode of objective thinking while taking a good, hard look at my own role in each situation.

            1) What really happened?  I got on my high horse and made the decision to override what an expert told me to do.  To make doing a few exercises that take about ten minutes a daily routine was not frivolous instruction.  And yet, I compromised the routine by not exercising daily or shortening the amount time doing it.  I subsequently suffered the consequences.  Lesson learned:  Adhere to and continuously practice good advice.  Keep in mind that there are many things about which other people know more than I do.

            2) Whoa!  Who called whom?  If I reach out for assistance, it is best to let the other person take control over how to get the anticipated result.  The time it takes by doing so is less than the time I already spent trying to fix it.  Lesson learned:  If I ask for help with an attitude of working as a team instead of having a "me" and "you" attitude, negative feelings dissipate and are replaced with feelings of hope.  Even if the problem is not corrected, at least I feel "we" gave it our best shot.  I then have the option of taking my problem to someone else or not.  Either way, my stress level is drastically reduced, and no one feels hurt or badgered.

            3)  Ah - it's so hard to be perfect, to always play by the rules.  Have I forgotten I have choices?  If an environment does not suit me, I can quietly leave.  Would that be rude?  Why am I thinking anyone else is paying so much attention to me that it actually matters if I stay or not?  Hmmm.  Okay - be polite and stay.  Not only stay, but join in -- the old "if you can't fight 'em, join 'em" mentality.  Or, take opportunities when they arise to help get the meeting back on track.  Lesson learned:  Nothing in my life is a waste of time.  I might discover that in its non-structured state, the content of the meeting does provide me with something worthwhile to take to heart.  Or, I might get appreciation from other attendees for helping to get back to the focal point in a positive way.  Nothing is lost, something is gained, and the time spent is worthwhile.

            4) Only I can allow myself to be used.  Lesson learned:  When asked to do something -- including being the middle man in certain situations -- I can state that I prefer to decline.  No explanation beyond "I do not want to," said in a mild tone, is necessary.  When I have skills or knowledge that might be useful to someone, the most I should do is offer it and not be disappointed if it is not welcomed.  Everyone has an agenda, and I need to stick to mine and step aside from theirs.