PTS – Disorder or Condition?

I am questioning the "D" in PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) -- is it really a "disorder?"  Sometimes I hear it referred to in a radio commercial simply as PTS, without the "D" attached, which is what got me thinking about this.

It seems to me the mind and body are doing what they should do as a defense mechanism by responding immediately to sounds, smells, or activities associated with something -- or someone – that a person views as a threat or is disturbing to witness.  Being nervous or anxious and other symptoms of PTS is in response to being protectively "on guard."

I wonder, then, if we are mis-using the word "disorder" for PTSD, which has a negative connotation.  For sure, it is going into an extreme mode.  But to me, it seems more like a "condition" needing to be tempered versus a "disorder" that needs to be reversed or stopped.

Copyright © March 2019 by  Maeke Ermarth

               Cheyenne, WY

Relative Differences

Relationships can be complex, confusing and frustrating -- and those within a family especially so.  Why?  Family members assume they all know each other like no one else can because of shared blood lines and stories in common.  But each family member has a unique perspective of the other members and events because of where each one stands, how each one is personally affected by those events, and how each one is regarded by the other relatives.  For this article, it is the “immediate family” being discussed – including “step” and “half” relatives.

From a child’s view, parents are providers of basic needs and the people to turn to for security, protection, health and survival.  For this reason, among others, children initially strive to have a continual relationship with their parents.  Depending on family dynamics, there are households where the children become the caretakers of the adults and/or other siblings.  In such homes it is not uncommon that it is the oldest child or older children who take on that role, but not always.  The way the care taking is performed has an effect on how it is received.  When done with love and compassion, it is usually easily accepted, welcomed, and even encouraged.  When done as an unwanted chore, it will probably be received up to a particular age, and then the recipient will likely become resentful of the caregiver if the caregiver does not stop playing the role of the commanding and demanding sibling.   

The way parents interact with a child influences that child’s feelings toward them as well as toward other siblings.  When a child feels wanted and parents show their enjoyment of being parents, a child harbors little or no fear or skepticism toward the parents.  If the child does not feel wanted and senses that parenting is an obligation and/or nuisance, the child will not likely develop an unencumbered joy of being a member of the family.  The same can also happen when it is evident that parents favor one or more children over another child, and it can create a wedge between siblings.

Old sayings usually arise out of frequency.  The one about there being a black sheep in every family suggests most, if not all, families have at least one person who is considered rather low in the pecking order and is the one most criticized and chastised.  Picking on a family member is either voluntary or is done so as to establish oneself on a higher ring of the ladder and not be a victim. 

In some families continual turmoil, chaos or drama is the glue that holds them together.  In others, it is what tears them apart.  Is there any resolve for the families that suffer broken ties?  I believe there is; but it takes a willingness of all participants to put feelings and perceptions out on the table for examination, explanation, and discussion … and for them to then be willing to understand and accept one another’s feelings, thoughts and beliefs without prejudice.  It may very well be that this could open a can of worms if anything is addressed that someone is unable to handle.  Everyone has a comfort zone, and the distance a person can step out of it without injury is different for each individual.  So if family members choose to engage in this type of communication to bring the family unit or members of a family closer together, willing participants should realize some backfiring could result and be ready to know when to change the topic or to place focus on someone or something else. 

Every individual would benefit from knowing what is personally needed from a family relationship and whether the comfort zone resides where everything is transparent, shaded, or completely draped.  If that cannot be attained, then it is time to step back, wish everyone well, move on to where the most comfort can be found.  It may result that making no changes is best.  Otherwise, there is always the option of creating a new family (which needs not be biological) for oneself!

Copyright © November 2013 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland

Dealing with Afflictions

In speaking with several people lately, it has dawned on me that we naturally get "shaken" by times of focus.  Women friends getting all keyed up about hosting a Thanksgiving gathering -- the setting, will everyone like what is served, what to wear, how everyone will interact, etc.; friends attending the event elsewhere -- will people like what they bring, what should they wear, will so-and-so be there and, if so, how will that work out.  People dating -- what to wear, what to say, what are the boundaries, what if they want to leave early, how will they fit in if going to a social event.

        It occurred to me that what might be at the base of all of these feelings is the fear of people finding out our flaws (or what we perceive to be flaws).  When a person is an alcoholic, everyone watches to see how that person will handle its presence.  When someone is a diabetic, everyone watches to see how they handle food consumption.  When someone is self-conscious about anything, how will they compare to everyone else?  You get my gist.

         Thinking now about people with eating disorders, it appears to me that the ideal situation would be more buffet-style atmosphere that provides both food-as-wanted and an all-inclusive feeling of participation.  A place where people can nibble, not eat anything but just socialize, or totally indulge -- and all of these actions being acceptable and normal and having no expectations.  My personal part as a family member or friend to the person with the disorder would be to let my person know that I am aware of the disorder but let him/her know I find it no big deal to obsess over but rather something the afflicted person needs to handle wisely in a manner that feels comfortable to her. Over time comes the recognition that what we think people are watching and thinking  is exaggerated in our own minds, and we reach a point where we stop obsessing about ourselves and start enjoying life while at the same time taking good care of ourselves. 

          I have a lot of respect for people who ask for what they need.  I can work my life around what is best for both of us if I know what my friend needs, and sometimes I need to ask what that might be.  Years ago a recovering alcoholic confided in me that she is more inclined to attend functions if someone she knows will also refrain, as she has to, from drinking anything alcoholic.  She feels less conspicuous if there is another adult not indulging.  She has now found that often times other attendees feel less pressured to drink, and therefore don't.  The sense of being the focus of attention, then, is diffused and eventually totally eliminated.

          When I am with friends or acquaintances who have any kind of noticeable disability, we do what needs to be done to accommodate the disability without making it a big deal, and it lessens the amount of "gawking" from outsiders.  It provides a feeling of being normal -- which it is, given the circumstances.  Here is the disability, and here is how we handle it so we, too, can enjoy ourselves -- just like everyone else!

          If someone I lived with had an eating problem, I would leave it up to her (or him) to buy what she wants, let her eat when the desire to do so hits, and be available to be an "ear" whenever she wants to talk about it.  However, I would also retain my own routine because it is one that suits me best.  In a nutshell, the understanding would be that we would just accommodate each other's needs and ways of handling the situation if they are within reason and do-able.

           A person grows into feeling good about herself and becomes less concerned about how they are perceived by others.  I think some awareness will always be present as it actually serves a purpose by keeping us from going too far in one direction or another, but it is reduced to the point where living is more free and unencumbered. 

            If you are a person with an affliction of any kind, let others know what you need from them in order to help yourself heal.  If you recognize that someone has an affliction and is suffering from it, ask them what you can do to help them recover.  No one can know what they do not know.  All too often we assume people know more than they do.  Like most things in life, it's a two-way street, and we have to communicate in order to start going in the right direction.

Maeke Ermarth ©November 22, 2012

            Fairfax, VA

Expectations and Self Esteem

When I apply the "keep the focus on myself" concept, I go to a better "place."  When I either retain or create expectations of myself and give up expectations of anyone else, I find myself in a better frame of mind and heightened self esteem.  It coincides with all the times I have heard people say each person needs to take care of his/her side of the street, and let everyone else take care of theirs.  This may be harder for a parent to do because children will always be, in a parent's eyes, children -- regardless of age or position -- in need of parenting!  But, in reality, parents need to do this, too.

My initial gut feeling is that a good many people are irresponsible or miguided and that in order for a society to remain somewhat civil and functioning reasonably well, the competent members need to be the caretakers.  So, which is better -- having a populace that lives in a slipshod fashion and sticks to old habits, or having one that admires the characteristics of upstanding members to the extent that they change their own lives to emulate these role models?  I find the second choice more promising and lasting.  With that in mind, I find it easier to monitor myself to be as good an example as I can be and accept that other people need to choose their own life experiences.  Hopefully their choices will be to follow in an honorable role model's footsteps.

Is it better, then, to not have expectations?  I can learn not to have expectations of other people, but it is detrimental to my progress if I do not set expectations of and for myself.  I will keep learning better ways of thinking and perceiving that give me both greater understanding and peace of mind.  I will make it clear where I stand and how I feel about situations while not demanding that anyone adopt my ways for him/herself.  I will respect our differences but not allow myself to be drawn into situations that, or around people who, cause me angst.  Those are expectations I can make for myself that will make me feel I am doing and being the best I can.  Feeling that way increases my self esteem and gives me the impetus to keep striving for a good personal quality of life.

What Is My Part?

Making every situation a positive experience is nice.  Here are some examples of thinking patterns that work for me.

1) I go the doctor with a particular pain and am given a daily regime to get and then stay pain free.  Sure enough, I experience less and less pain.  In three weeks, all the pain is gone!  Two months later, pain returns. 

            2) My computer goes on the brink.  After trying to "fix" it myself for a couple hours, I call a technician and end up getting irritated with him for walking me through a process that includes doing a lot of things I already tried.  My irritation is quite evident.  The problem would've been corrected much faster if steps I had already done were not repeated.

            3) During a weekly meeting that has guidelines, I become frustrated that participants are not adhering to the guidelines; and I feel cheated out of hearing more relevant conversation.

            4) Sometimes I feel people take advantage of things I can do, or they do not appreciate the efforts I put into voluntarily doing things for them. 

Addressing the four circumstances above requires stepping back and getting into a mode of objective thinking while taking a good, hard look at my own role in each situation.

            1) What really happened?  I got on my high horse and made the decision to override what an expert told me to do.  To make doing a few exercises that take about ten minutes a daily routine was not frivolous instruction.  And yet, I compromised the routine by not exercising daily or shortening the amount time doing it.  I subsequently suffered the consequences.  Lesson learned:  Adhere to and continuously practice good advice.  Keep in mind that there are many things about which other people know more than I do.

            2) Whoa!  Who called whom?  If I reach out for assistance, it is best to let the other person take control over how to get the anticipated result.  The time it takes by doing so is less than the time I already spent trying to fix it.  Lesson learned:  If I ask for help with an attitude of working as a team instead of having a "me" and "you" attitude, negative feelings dissipate and are replaced with feelings of hope.  Even if the problem is not corrected, at least I feel "we" gave it our best shot.  I then have the option of taking my problem to someone else or not.  Either way, my stress level is drastically reduced, and no one feels hurt or badgered.

            3)  Ah - it's so hard to be perfect, to always play by the rules.  Have I forgotten I have choices?  If an environment does not suit me, I can quietly leave.  Would that be rude?  Why am I thinking anyone else is paying so much attention to me that it actually matters if I stay or not?  Hmmm.  Okay - be polite and stay.  Not only stay, but join in -- the old "if you can't fight 'em, join 'em" mentality.  Or, take opportunities when they arise to help get the meeting back on track.  Lesson learned:  Nothing in my life is a waste of time.  I might discover that in its non-structured state, the content of the meeting does provide me with something worthwhile to take to heart.  Or, I might get appreciation from other attendees for helping to get back to the focal point in a positive way.  Nothing is lost, something is gained, and the time spent is worthwhile.

            4) Only I can allow myself to be used.  Lesson learned:  When asked to do something -- including being the middle man in certain situations -- I can state that I prefer to decline.  No explanation beyond "I do not want to," said in a mild tone, is necessary.  When I have skills or knowledge that might be useful to someone, the most I should do is offer it and not be disappointed if it is not welcomed.  Everyone has an agenda, and I need to stick to mine and step aside from theirs. 

Message to Kids Regarding Disasters and Tragedies

Hi Kids -

We've all been hearing so much about happenings in Japan recently.  Much of it is enough to scare even the bravest person.  When I was a young girl in Florida, we experienced a couple severe hurricanes; and after my family moved to Maryland, we would hear about more hurricanes that affected friends and relatives (including my oldest sister who remained living there).  So, I can sympathize with probably just about every emotion you are feeling.

I learned about the strength of weather and "natural disasters," and I also learned how much I cared about other people because of the sadness I felt when other people were suffering, and the joy and relief I felt when other people heard or found good news.  Over and over again, that has helped make me feel okay to cry, smile, worry, and feel relieved.  It is the caring about other people that brings us all together and leaves no one behind.  We forget about our differences and concentrate on making each other safe and comfortable.  Isn't that a wonderful thing?  Rescue groups come to help bring medical care, food, and shelter.  Many people help set up shelters; rebuild homes and towns; restore order; bring displaced friends, relatives, and even strangers into their own homes until things settle back down; and provide support and compassion to people grieving the loss of loved ones.  

Nothing will take away the pain and concern of disasters and tragedies.  But we can find comfort in knowing that everyone is doing as much as they can.  Sometimes that means not doing or going anywhere so emergency teams can arrive and act more quickly.  So never feel helpless.  By staying put and being calm, you are providing a quicker recovery for those in need.  If there is an activity for helping in which you can participate and you choose to do so, that is also fine.  It will likely be made up of other people who have the same concerns and hopes as you.

What I am saying is that it is okay to be feeling whatever you are feeling.  Just leave a little room in your thoughts to also consider all the things people are doing to try to keep problems from being worse and that, in our own way, each of us is contributing in a good way both individually and as a part of a big group!  In some way, we are all in this together.  That deserves a smile.

Written by Maeke Ermarth - March 19, 2011

         Copyright © 2011 - Fairfax, VA