PTS – Disorder or Condition?

I am questioning the "D" in PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) -- is it really a "disorder?"  Sometimes I hear it referred to in a radio commercial simply as PTS, without the "D" attached, which is what got me thinking about this.

It seems to me the mind and body are doing what they should do as a defense mechanism by responding immediately to sounds, smells, or activities associated with something -- or someone – that a person views as a threat or is disturbing to witness.  Being nervous or anxious and other symptoms of PTS is in response to being protectively "on guard."

I wonder, then, if we are mis-using the word "disorder" for PTSD, which has a negative connotation.  For sure, it is going into an extreme mode.  But to me, it seems more like a "condition" needing to be tempered versus a "disorder" that needs to be reversed or stopped.

Copyright © March 2019 by  Maeke Ermarth

               Cheyenne, WY

Two Sides of Gossiping

Gossip runs rampant everywhere, despite hearing that we should not do it .  The best I can do is to try to keep it in perspective.  Sometimes gossip is a good thing.  I've no doubt been kept from being a victim of people with sinister intentions because of the gossip I would hear about them.  Conversely, sometimes a negative impression I have about someone changes to me having a better opinion of him/her based on comments other people have made that allow me to see the person in a different light.  And numerous times when trying to get a gift for someone, it has been revealed through gossip what types of things a person likes and appreciates.  Very helpful!

On my side, if I have something to contribute to a conversation about someone, I try (albeit not always successfully) to remember to question my own intention for doing so because I am the one who will have to live with the consequences of my words.  Secondly, I need to ask myself if I am stating facts or am I just "spinning" unfounded speculation?  Especially during the holiday season, when so many emotions tend to surface and anxieties increase, it is worthwhile to take a few minutes to justly filter what we hear and say before we digest it.  And then continue that practice throughout the year.  Happy holidays!

Copyright © November 2017 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, MD

Incivility and Anger

Recently a family member asked a few questions to which I responded as follows:

Who is to blame for the incivility and anger we see around us?

Me:  Immediate family members and, subsequently, society.

Who is responsible?

Me:  Every individual is responsible for himself/herself.

Who will step up with passionate humility for a respectful future in which we all learn to get along with respect, kindness and generosity?

Me:  It is not a question of who will step up. It is a question of who people will follow. If family and societal expectations are taught and then properly ingrained, individuals will choose role models who possess the "qualities" of humility and respectfulness.

In summary, people have become afraid or negligent of having expectations of their kids, parents, partners, etc.  We walk on eggshells to be politically correct and sidestep things that need to be directly addressed.  I believe people are getting tired of the shenanigans we've been "playing" since the 1960s and that the pendulum is swinging back to maturity.  I sure hope I’m right! Copyright © February 2017 by Maeke Ermarth                Ocean City, Maryland

Hurtful Help

“Thanks, but no thanks” is an expression likely all of us understands.  Despite many good intentions, sometimes people do not realize that their perceived help (usually unsolicited) is actually detrimental and hurtful.  Co-dependency is necessary to make life easier and to exude feelings of being cared for, protected, and of value.  However, co-dependency can also be tiresome, irritating, and hurtful. 

Luckily, I do not have a difficult time putting into boxes what and who I will or will not put up with.  What I have attained in aging is the continual growth in ease of setting aside those things and people causing hurt, frustration, and angst within my soul.  Every person has a will, and every person has the right to exercise it; and unless it causes harm, no one else has the right to try to dictate it.  So many relationships turn sour because someone tries to control someone else’s choices.  How many of us like someone trying to control us?  As soon as I hear someone say to me, “I want you to …,” or “I don’t want you to …,” I start shutting down and distancing myself.  It has taken me years to develop that skill; but, praise God, I have. 

As children, we feel unable to turn away from people who think differently about what is best for us because we are dependent on them to some degree.  But that learned behavior as children can be so engrained that we retain it as adults.  And if we find ourselves in a position of being able to bestow our preferred behaviors on someone else, all too often we take advantage of doing so.  It’s the mentality of ‘I’m going to do to someone else what has been done to me.’ 

A woman has reiterated repeatedly her opposition to my involvement in some voluntary activities.  Through several venues, I have learned about to whom responsibilities belong, how to stand firm on boundaries I have set for myself to increase my own sense of serenity, and how to hop off the negative co-dependency train.  I am well aware that every person, even ones living under the same roof, has a unique life story and path.  What perturbs one person may be of no concern to another.  What one dreams of having another may prefer to do without.  Where there is sincerely good intent, we might brainstorm with each other about the wisdom behind our choices; but we have no right to lecture, nag or entice someone else to cease doing something that is meaningful or enjoyable to that individual unless, as stated earlier, it is harmful to someone else.

Any time I have the urge to tell someone what to do or state more than twice what my opinion is about something another person says or does, I stop and ask myself if that person is doing something that is harmful to me.  Secondly, I have to decide if the other person’s behavior is acceptable in my home or elsewhere.  I can determine what I will or will not allow to be in my own home.  In the outside world, I have the right to determine to what extent I will be tolerant before my option becomes the necessity for me to remove myself from someone else’s area of influence on me.  Even if I believe a person has good intentions when voicing an opinion or making demands on me, I have to discern how I want to live my life and then incorporate or discard the thoughts and wishes of anyone else.  Hopefully, my little routine lessens any tendency to manipulate or dictate someone else’s life and keeps me from being a suffocating nag.  On the flip side, allowing myself to only entertain that same courtesy from others enhances my joy and well being.  Not denying someone else their joy and well being is the gracious and right thing to do.

Copyright © September 2016 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland

Does Utopia Exist?

The topic of one of my college courses taken many years ago was “Utopia.”  The class came to believe after many readings and discussions that utopia, at best, is a short-lived phenomenon.  Jump forward 18 years, and I now beg to differ.  In this world of people wanting precise definitions and everyone being on board to having the same definition, I again accept being the odd (wo)man out. 

As most who know me know, I spend a portion of my year on the east coast and the remainder in WY in our permanent residence.  Due to a family marriage, my 4-month stint (stretched into five) was done earlier than usual this year, giving me the full summer indulgence of being bordered with the ocean on the east, bay on the west, and large pond on the north of me.  (That alone is utopia to the lady who opts to be a dolphin in her next life.)  

During this year’s stay, I had conversations and experiences with a few friends that caused me to look deeply at my life from several angles.  Older friends reminded me that life is short, and gets shorter every day, so enjoy what I can.  A couple other friends reminded me that there can be stagnation and unwanted compromise and submission as years roll by.

Having always felt blessed by people who have come into or even just crossed my path prompted me to bring to my husband my desire to spend more time in the east coast residence these next two years.  Luckily, he understands my love for this environment equals his love for the mountains and the western way of life and supports my desire as it will include back-home trips in-between the times he opts not to join me in the east.

A few people are fascinated by this.  But the bottom line resides in the fact that the more I am granted freedom by people who surround me, the more attached I remain to them.  That’s not to say I shun what I consider responsibilities any person in a relationship -- despite what kind of relationship that might be -- should uphold.  But it does mean cherishing the love that allows someone else to let me experience people, places and things that are important to my mind, body and soul.  Through love, I grant the same to others.

Utopia?  I’ve found it because, for me, it lies in the quality of circumstances and people that/who surround me.  Family members and friends guide me, my husband and people I care about give back to me the freedoms and respect I give them, and I remain involved with groups that throughout life help me make the changes in and about myself that need changing so I can better walk the walk I talk.  Being forever impressed by and with the universe and basically thankful has certainly brought Utopia into my life permanently.

Copyright © September 2015 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland

Relative Differences

Relationships can be complex, confusing and frustrating -- and those within a family especially so.  Why?  Family members assume they all know each other like no one else can because of shared blood lines and stories in common.  But each family member has a unique perspective of the other members and events because of where each one stands, how each one is personally affected by those events, and how each one is regarded by the other relatives.  For this article, it is the “immediate family” being discussed – including “step” and “half” relatives.

From a child’s view, parents are providers of basic needs and the people to turn to for security, protection, health and survival.  For this reason, among others, children initially strive to have a continual relationship with their parents.  Depending on family dynamics, there are households where the children become the caretakers of the adults and/or other siblings.  In such homes it is not uncommon that it is the oldest child or older children who take on that role, but not always.  The way the care taking is performed has an effect on how it is received.  When done with love and compassion, it is usually easily accepted, welcomed, and even encouraged.  When done as an unwanted chore, it will probably be received up to a particular age, and then the recipient will likely become resentful of the caregiver if the caregiver does not stop playing the role of the commanding and demanding sibling.   

The way parents interact with a child influences that child’s feelings toward them as well as toward other siblings.  When a child feels wanted and parents show their enjoyment of being parents, a child harbors little or no fear or skepticism toward the parents.  If the child does not feel wanted and senses that parenting is an obligation and/or nuisance, the child will not likely develop an unencumbered joy of being a member of the family.  The same can also happen when it is evident that parents favor one or more children over another child, and it can create a wedge between siblings.

Old sayings usually arise out of frequency.  The one about there being a black sheep in every family suggests most, if not all, families have at least one person who is considered rather low in the pecking order and is the one most criticized and chastised.  Picking on a family member is either voluntary or is done so as to establish oneself on a higher ring of the ladder and not be a victim. 

In some families continual turmoil, chaos or drama is the glue that holds them together.  In others, it is what tears them apart.  Is there any resolve for the families that suffer broken ties?  I believe there is; but it takes a willingness of all participants to put feelings and perceptions out on the table for examination, explanation, and discussion … and for them to then be willing to understand and accept one another’s feelings, thoughts and beliefs without prejudice.  It may very well be that this could open a can of worms if anything is addressed that someone is unable to handle.  Everyone has a comfort zone, and the distance a person can step out of it without injury is different for each individual.  So if family members choose to engage in this type of communication to bring the family unit or members of a family closer together, willing participants should realize some backfiring could result and be ready to know when to change the topic or to place focus on someone or something else. 

Every individual would benefit from knowing what is personally needed from a family relationship and whether the comfort zone resides where everything is transparent, shaded, or completely draped.  If that cannot be attained, then it is time to step back, wish everyone well, move on to where the most comfort can be found.  It may result that making no changes is best.  Otherwise, there is always the option of creating a new family (which needs not be biological) for oneself!

Copyright © November 2013 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland

Dealing with Afflictions

In speaking with several people lately, it has dawned on me that we naturally get "shaken" by times of focus.  Women friends getting all keyed up about hosting a Thanksgiving gathering -- the setting, will everyone like what is served, what to wear, how everyone will interact, etc.; friends attending the event elsewhere -- will people like what they bring, what should they wear, will so-and-so be there and, if so, how will that work out.  People dating -- what to wear, what to say, what are the boundaries, what if they want to leave early, how will they fit in if going to a social event.

        It occurred to me that what might be at the base of all of these feelings is the fear of people finding out our flaws (or what we perceive to be flaws).  When a person is an alcoholic, everyone watches to see how that person will handle its presence.  When someone is a diabetic, everyone watches to see how they handle food consumption.  When someone is self-conscious about anything, how will they compare to everyone else?  You get my gist.

         Thinking now about people with eating disorders, it appears to me that the ideal situation would be more buffet-style atmosphere that provides both food-as-wanted and an all-inclusive feeling of participation.  A place where people can nibble, not eat anything but just socialize, or totally indulge -- and all of these actions being acceptable and normal and having no expectations.  My personal part as a family member or friend to the person with the disorder would be to let my person know that I am aware of the disorder but let him/her know I find it no big deal to obsess over but rather something the afflicted person needs to handle wisely in a manner that feels comfortable to her. Over time comes the recognition that what we think people are watching and thinking  is exaggerated in our own minds, and we reach a point where we stop obsessing about ourselves and start enjoying life while at the same time taking good care of ourselves. 

          I have a lot of respect for people who ask for what they need.  I can work my life around what is best for both of us if I know what my friend needs, and sometimes I need to ask what that might be.  Years ago a recovering alcoholic confided in me that she is more inclined to attend functions if someone she knows will also refrain, as she has to, from drinking anything alcoholic.  She feels less conspicuous if there is another adult not indulging.  She has now found that often times other attendees feel less pressured to drink, and therefore don't.  The sense of being the focus of attention, then, is diffused and eventually totally eliminated.

          When I am with friends or acquaintances who have any kind of noticeable disability, we do what needs to be done to accommodate the disability without making it a big deal, and it lessens the amount of "gawking" from outsiders.  It provides a feeling of being normal -- which it is, given the circumstances.  Here is the disability, and here is how we handle it so we, too, can enjoy ourselves -- just like everyone else!

          If someone I lived with had an eating problem, I would leave it up to her (or him) to buy what she wants, let her eat when the desire to do so hits, and be available to be an "ear" whenever she wants to talk about it.  However, I would also retain my own routine because it is one that suits me best.  In a nutshell, the understanding would be that we would just accommodate each other's needs and ways of handling the situation if they are within reason and do-able.

           A person grows into feeling good about herself and becomes less concerned about how they are perceived by others.  I think some awareness will always be present as it actually serves a purpose by keeping us from going too far in one direction or another, but it is reduced to the point where living is more free and unencumbered. 

            If you are a person with an affliction of any kind, let others know what you need from them in order to help yourself heal.  If you recognize that someone has an affliction and is suffering from it, ask them what you can do to help them recover.  No one can know what they do not know.  All too often we assume people know more than they do.  Like most things in life, it's a two-way street, and we have to communicate in order to start going in the right direction.

Maeke Ermarth ©November 22, 2012

            Fairfax, VA

Expectations and Self Esteem

When I apply the "keep the focus on myself" concept, I go to a better "place."  When I either retain or create expectations of myself and give up expectations of anyone else, I find myself in a better frame of mind and heightened self esteem.  It coincides with all the times I have heard people say each person needs to take care of his/her side of the street, and let everyone else take care of theirs.  This may be harder for a parent to do because children will always be, in a parent's eyes, children -- regardless of age or position -- in need of parenting!  But, in reality, parents need to do this, too.

My initial gut feeling is that a good many people are irresponsible or miguided and that in order for a society to remain somewhat civil and functioning reasonably well, the competent members need to be the caretakers.  So, which is better -- having a populace that lives in a slipshod fashion and sticks to old habits, or having one that admires the characteristics of upstanding members to the extent that they change their own lives to emulate these role models?  I find the second choice more promising and lasting.  With that in mind, I find it easier to monitor myself to be as good an example as I can be and accept that other people need to choose their own life experiences.  Hopefully their choices will be to follow in an honorable role model's footsteps.

Is it better, then, to not have expectations?  I can learn not to have expectations of other people, but it is detrimental to my progress if I do not set expectations of and for myself.  I will keep learning better ways of thinking and perceiving that give me both greater understanding and peace of mind.  I will make it clear where I stand and how I feel about situations while not demanding that anyone adopt my ways for him/herself.  I will respect our differences but not allow myself to be drawn into situations that, or around people who, cause me angst.  Those are expectations I can make for myself that will make me feel I am doing and being the best I can.  Feeling that way increases my self esteem and gives me the impetus to keep striving for a good personal quality of life.

What Is My Part?

Making every situation a positive experience is nice.  Here are some examples of thinking patterns that work for me.

1) I go the doctor with a particular pain and am given a daily regime to get and then stay pain free.  Sure enough, I experience less and less pain.  In three weeks, all the pain is gone!  Two months later, pain returns. 

            2) My computer goes on the brink.  After trying to "fix" it myself for a couple hours, I call a technician and end up getting irritated with him for walking me through a process that includes doing a lot of things I already tried.  My irritation is quite evident.  The problem would've been corrected much faster if steps I had already done were not repeated.

            3) During a weekly meeting that has guidelines, I become frustrated that participants are not adhering to the guidelines; and I feel cheated out of hearing more relevant conversation.

            4) Sometimes I feel people take advantage of things I can do, or they do not appreciate the efforts I put into voluntarily doing things for them. 

Addressing the four circumstances above requires stepping back and getting into a mode of objective thinking while taking a good, hard look at my own role in each situation.

            1) What really happened?  I got on my high horse and made the decision to override what an expert told me to do.  To make doing a few exercises that take about ten minutes a daily routine was not frivolous instruction.  And yet, I compromised the routine by not exercising daily or shortening the amount time doing it.  I subsequently suffered the consequences.  Lesson learned:  Adhere to and continuously practice good advice.  Keep in mind that there are many things about which other people know more than I do.

            2) Whoa!  Who called whom?  If I reach out for assistance, it is best to let the other person take control over how to get the anticipated result.  The time it takes by doing so is less than the time I already spent trying to fix it.  Lesson learned:  If I ask for help with an attitude of working as a team instead of having a "me" and "you" attitude, negative feelings dissipate and are replaced with feelings of hope.  Even if the problem is not corrected, at least I feel "we" gave it our best shot.  I then have the option of taking my problem to someone else or not.  Either way, my stress level is drastically reduced, and no one feels hurt or badgered.

            3)  Ah - it's so hard to be perfect, to always play by the rules.  Have I forgotten I have choices?  If an environment does not suit me, I can quietly leave.  Would that be rude?  Why am I thinking anyone else is paying so much attention to me that it actually matters if I stay or not?  Hmmm.  Okay - be polite and stay.  Not only stay, but join in -- the old "if you can't fight 'em, join 'em" mentality.  Or, take opportunities when they arise to help get the meeting back on track.  Lesson learned:  Nothing in my life is a waste of time.  I might discover that in its non-structured state, the content of the meeting does provide me with something worthwhile to take to heart.  Or, I might get appreciation from other attendees for helping to get back to the focal point in a positive way.  Nothing is lost, something is gained, and the time spent is worthwhile.

            4) Only I can allow myself to be used.  Lesson learned:  When asked to do something -- including being the middle man in certain situations -- I can state that I prefer to decline.  No explanation beyond "I do not want to," said in a mild tone, is necessary.  When I have skills or knowledge that might be useful to someone, the most I should do is offer it and not be disappointed if it is not welcomed.  Everyone has an agenda, and I need to stick to mine and step aside from theirs.