It occurred to me that what might be at the base of all of these feelings is the fear of people finding out our flaws (or what we perceive to be flaws). When a person is an alcoholic, everyone watches to see how that person will handle its presence. When someone is a diabetic, everyone watches to see how they handle food consumption. When someone is self-conscious about anything, how will they compare to everyone else? You get my gist.
Thinking now about people with eating disorders, it appears to me that the ideal situation would be more buffet-style atmosphere that provides both food-as-wanted and an all-inclusive feeling of participation. A place where people can nibble, not eat anything but just socialize, or totally indulge -- and all of these actions being acceptable and normal and having no expectations. My personal part as a family member or friend to the person with the disorder would be to let my person know that I am aware of the disorder but let him/her know I find it no big deal to obsess over but rather something the afflicted person needs to handle wisely in a manner that feels comfortable to her. Over time comes the recognition that what we think people are watching and thinking is exaggerated in our own minds, and we reach a point where we stop obsessing about ourselves and start enjoying life while at the same time taking good care of ourselves.
I have a lot of respect for people who ask for what they need. I can work my life around what is best for both of us if I know what my friend needs, and sometimes I need to ask what that might be. Years ago a recovering alcoholic confided in me that she is more inclined to attend functions if someone she knows will also refrain, as she has to, from drinking anything alcoholic. She feels less conspicuous if there is another adult not indulging. She has now found that often times other attendees feel less pressured to drink, and therefore don't. The sense of being the focus of attention, then, is diffused and eventually totally eliminated.
When I am with friends or acquaintances who have any kind of noticeable disability, we do what needs to be done to accommodate the disability without making it a big deal, and it lessens the amount of "gawking" from outsiders. It provides a feeling of being normal -- which it is, given the circumstances. Here is the disability, and here is how we handle it so we, too, can enjoy ourselves -- just like everyone else!
If someone I lived with had an eating problem, I would leave it up to her (or him) to buy what she wants, let her eat when the desire to do so hits, and be available to be an "ear" whenever she wants to talk about it. However, I would also retain my own routine because it is one that suits me best. In a nutshell, the understanding would be that we would just accommodate each other's needs and ways of handling the situation if they are within reason and do-able.
A person grows into feeling good about herself and becomes less concerned about how they are perceived by others. I think some awareness will always be present as it actually serves a purpose by keeping us from going too far in one direction or another, but it is reduced to the point where living is more free and unencumbered.
If you are a person with an affliction of any kind, let others know what you need from them in order to help yourself heal. If you recognize that someone has an affliction and is suffering from it, ask them what you can do to help them recover. No one can know what they do not know. All too often we assume people know more than they do. Like most things in life, it's a two-way street, and we have to communicate in order to start going in the right direction.
Maeke Ermarth ©November 22, 2012
Fairfax, VA
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