Relative Differences

Relationships can be complex, confusing and frustrating -- and those within a family especially so.  Why?  Family members assume they all know each other like no one else can because of shared blood lines and stories in common.  But each family member has a unique perspective of the other members and events because of where each one stands, how each one is personally affected by those events, and how each one is regarded by the other relatives.  For this article, it is the “immediate family” being discussed – including “step” and “half” relatives.

From a child’s view, parents are providers of basic needs and the people to turn to for security, protection, health and survival.  For this reason, among others, children initially strive to have a continual relationship with their parents.  Depending on family dynamics, there are households where the children become the caretakers of the adults and/or other siblings.  In such homes it is not uncommon that it is the oldest child or older children who take on that role, but not always.  The way the care taking is performed has an effect on how it is received.  When done with love and compassion, it is usually easily accepted, welcomed, and even encouraged.  When done as an unwanted chore, it will probably be received up to a particular age, and then the recipient will likely become resentful of the caregiver if the caregiver does not stop playing the role of the commanding and demanding sibling.   

The way parents interact with a child influences that child’s feelings toward them as well as toward other siblings.  When a child feels wanted and parents show their enjoyment of being parents, a child harbors little or no fear or skepticism toward the parents.  If the child does not feel wanted and senses that parenting is an obligation and/or nuisance, the child will not likely develop an unencumbered joy of being a member of the family.  The same can also happen when it is evident that parents favor one or more children over another child, and it can create a wedge between siblings.

Old sayings usually arise out of frequency.  The one about there being a black sheep in every family suggests most, if not all, families have at least one person who is considered rather low in the pecking order and is the one most criticized and chastised.  Picking on a family member is either voluntary or is done so as to establish oneself on a higher ring of the ladder and not be a victim. 

In some families continual turmoil, chaos or drama is the glue that holds them together.  In others, it is what tears them apart.  Is there any resolve for the families that suffer broken ties?  I believe there is; but it takes a willingness of all participants to put feelings and perceptions out on the table for examination, explanation, and discussion … and for them to then be willing to understand and accept one another’s feelings, thoughts and beliefs without prejudice.  It may very well be that this could open a can of worms if anything is addressed that someone is unable to handle.  Everyone has a comfort zone, and the distance a person can step out of it without injury is different for each individual.  So if family members choose to engage in this type of communication to bring the family unit or members of a family closer together, willing participants should realize some backfiring could result and be ready to know when to change the topic or to place focus on someone or something else. 

Every individual would benefit from knowing what is personally needed from a family relationship and whether the comfort zone resides where everything is transparent, shaded, or completely draped.  If that cannot be attained, then it is time to step back, wish everyone well, move on to where the most comfort can be found.  It may result that making no changes is best.  Otherwise, there is always the option of creating a new family (which needs not be biological) for oneself!

Copyright © November 2013 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland