Loving Responsibly

What is commonly referred to as “tough love” I think of as “loving responsibly.”  It is love that is hard but necessary.  It requires accepting possibly being resented, rejected or challenged; and that’s okay.  At least the message is delivered, and that is what is important.  The hardest part of loving responsibly is imparting unwanted information; but if potential danger lurks, there is justified guilt laid on the one who keeps silent.  I’d rather take my chances being vocal than suffer the guilt of silence.  From where I stand, only supreme love motivates me to take that challenge; to the receiver, that is the highest compliment I can ever give.

Copyright © December 2015 by Maeke Ermarth

                   Cheyenne, WY

Does Utopia Exist?

The topic of one of my college courses taken many years ago was “Utopia.”  The class came to believe after many readings and discussions that utopia, at best, is a short-lived phenomenon.  Jump forward 18 years, and I now beg to differ.  In this world of people wanting precise definitions and everyone being on board to having the same definition, I again accept being the odd (wo)man out. 

As most who know me know, I spend a portion of my year on the east coast and the remainder in WY in our permanent residence.  Due to a family marriage, my 4-month stint (stretched into five) was done earlier than usual this year, giving me the full summer indulgence of being bordered with the ocean on the east, bay on the west, and large pond on the north of me.  (That alone is utopia to the lady who opts to be a dolphin in her next life.)  

During this year’s stay, I had conversations and experiences with a few friends that caused me to look deeply at my life from several angles.  Older friends reminded me that life is short, and gets shorter every day, so enjoy what I can.  A couple other friends reminded me that there can be stagnation and unwanted compromise and submission as years roll by.

Having always felt blessed by people who have come into or even just crossed my path prompted me to bring to my husband my desire to spend more time in the east coast residence these next two years.  Luckily, he understands my love for this environment equals his love for the mountains and the western way of life and supports my desire as it will include back-home trips in-between the times he opts not to join me in the east.

A few people are fascinated by this.  But the bottom line resides in the fact that the more I am granted freedom by people who surround me, the more attached I remain to them.  That’s not to say I shun what I consider responsibilities any person in a relationship -- despite what kind of relationship that might be -- should uphold.  But it does mean cherishing the love that allows someone else to let me experience people, places and things that are important to my mind, body and soul.  Through love, I grant the same to others.

Utopia?  I’ve found it because, for me, it lies in the quality of circumstances and people that/who surround me.  Family members and friends guide me, my husband and people I care about give back to me the freedoms and respect I give them, and I remain involved with groups that throughout life help me make the changes in and about myself that need changing so I can better walk the walk I talk.  Being forever impressed by and with the universe and basically thankful has certainly brought Utopia into my life permanently.

Copyright © September 2015 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland

Relative Differences

Relationships can be complex, confusing and frustrating -- and those within a family especially so.  Why?  Family members assume they all know each other like no one else can because of shared blood lines and stories in common.  But each family member has a unique perspective of the other members and events because of where each one stands, how each one is personally affected by those events, and how each one is regarded by the other relatives.  For this article, it is the “immediate family” being discussed – including “step” and “half” relatives.

From a child’s view, parents are providers of basic needs and the people to turn to for security, protection, health and survival.  For this reason, among others, children initially strive to have a continual relationship with their parents.  Depending on family dynamics, there are households where the children become the caretakers of the adults and/or other siblings.  In such homes it is not uncommon that it is the oldest child or older children who take on that role, but not always.  The way the care taking is performed has an effect on how it is received.  When done with love and compassion, it is usually easily accepted, welcomed, and even encouraged.  When done as an unwanted chore, it will probably be received up to a particular age, and then the recipient will likely become resentful of the caregiver if the caregiver does not stop playing the role of the commanding and demanding sibling.   

The way parents interact with a child influences that child’s feelings toward them as well as toward other siblings.  When a child feels wanted and parents show their enjoyment of being parents, a child harbors little or no fear or skepticism toward the parents.  If the child does not feel wanted and senses that parenting is an obligation and/or nuisance, the child will not likely develop an unencumbered joy of being a member of the family.  The same can also happen when it is evident that parents favor one or more children over another child, and it can create a wedge between siblings.

Old sayings usually arise out of frequency.  The one about there being a black sheep in every family suggests most, if not all, families have at least one person who is considered rather low in the pecking order and is the one most criticized and chastised.  Picking on a family member is either voluntary or is done so as to establish oneself on a higher ring of the ladder and not be a victim. 

In some families continual turmoil, chaos or drama is the glue that holds them together.  In others, it is what tears them apart.  Is there any resolve for the families that suffer broken ties?  I believe there is; but it takes a willingness of all participants to put feelings and perceptions out on the table for examination, explanation, and discussion … and for them to then be willing to understand and accept one another’s feelings, thoughts and beliefs without prejudice.  It may very well be that this could open a can of worms if anything is addressed that someone is unable to handle.  Everyone has a comfort zone, and the distance a person can step out of it without injury is different for each individual.  So if family members choose to engage in this type of communication to bring the family unit or members of a family closer together, willing participants should realize some backfiring could result and be ready to know when to change the topic or to place focus on someone or something else. 

Every individual would benefit from knowing what is personally needed from a family relationship and whether the comfort zone resides where everything is transparent, shaded, or completely draped.  If that cannot be attained, then it is time to step back, wish everyone well, move on to where the most comfort can be found.  It may result that making no changes is best.  Otherwise, there is always the option of creating a new family (which needs not be biological) for oneself!

Copyright © November 2013 by Maeke Ermarth

               Ocean City, Maryland

This Thing Called Love

Not long ago, I was told love felt for a biological grand child is different from the love felt for a step-grand child.  I expressed my disagreement and pretty much let it drop.  The same lady has made this comment before.  I accept that, for her, that belief is true.  (Incidentally, she has no step-grand children.)

I have three step-grand children and believe I love them as much as I would a biological grand child (I do not have a blood-related grand child).  I understand many people, not just my friend, would dispute my opinion.  However, I also believe no person completely knows another person; in fact, I do not believe I know myself entirely (which is partly why I find "maturing" so fascinating).  Repeatedly I have witnessed my perceptions, feelings, and attitudes change over time.  So what makes me so sure I would love my step-grand children as much as a biological grand child?  The answer is because, although it may sound harsh, I have loved other non-blood-related people in my life as much as and often even more than my biological relatives. 

From where does my way of thinking and feeling come? It comes from my belief in God and my understanding of what He desires my belief to be.  Call me gullible, but since childhood I have believed the truest essence and purpose of life is to love what God has created and to take care of ourselves and others around us.  I also believe in His instruction to stay surrounded by others who love and care for me and remove myself from those who do not.  Fortunately, people who were and people who are excellent role models have raised me in the sense I believe a growing human being should be nurtured and guided.  Sadly, they are not my biological parents or siblings.  However, my relatives play and played a crucial part in forming the package I am, so there is much credit to be given to them as my life's journey would be much different without them.  I truly do cherish my life experiences, so thanks be to them.

I also accept the biblical instruction of a wife joining her husband's family.  In the case of extended families, this can be confusing and frustrating but also very rewarding.  Being a "step" anything has unique challenges, but spouses fare much better as a couple when they embrace each other's children.  My God has increasingly provided me with enough love to do that, and I will stand just as closely by my step-children's and step-grand children's sides as I will my blood-related daughter's side any moment of any day.  In time, I miss all of their voices and need to hear them on the phone if not able to do so in person.  If there are events to which I am able to attend, I do.  Luckily, I have no guilt of having favoritism.  I cherish each and every one of them in a very special way that cannot be "measured" one against the other. 

Other people's comments about how they believe I do or will feel are welcomed.  It gives me an outside-of-myself examination to perform.  This latest repeated statement has caused me to dig deep within, and I can honestly say that the extent of love I have for people who are special to me does not short change any of them.  I have seen this degree of love in other people as well, so I know this is not a personal fantasy.  I am so grateful for God's grace of love.  Because of it, what I consider to be "my family" stretches way beyond my biological family, and the joy in my life is so much more increased.  The ultimate thrill is my daughter's sense of kinship and family towards people -- of all ages -- she has met who she knows are a precious part of my life, as well as her feelings for her step siblings and their kids not even including a "step" in the equation of our family unit. 

The old saying about not fully understanding from where another person comes until you have walked in his/her shoes is so true.  Making assumptions comes so easily.  Accepting when we have missed the mark can sometimes be difficult.  We all make mistakes.  We all have the opportunity to learn about and improve ourselves and, hopefully, make fewer and fewer mistakes.  No doubt, I will forever be in the "classroom of learning."  But I am so indebted to what God has taught me Himself, and through the wonderful people in my life -- both alive and deceased, about the meaning of "love" and "family."  Oh -- it is so much more than a bloodline.  

Believe what you will; but to me, we really are all brother and sisters, and I will continue to abide with the ones who do not bring me down but rather help me climb to a higher standard of personal integrity and spirituality.  As for my daughter and my husband's kids and their families, there is no "step" in my heart.  To me, we are family, and I believe a strong one.  So, while I respect the love my friend has for her grand children, I praise and will continue to hold dear the amount of love I have been given the capacity to hold and give. 

Maeke Ermarth © January 1, 2012

Cheyenne, WY