Not long ago, I was told love felt for a biological grand child is different from the love felt for a step-grand child. I expressed my disagreement and pretty much let it drop. The same lady has made this comment before. I accept that, for her, that belief is true. (Incidentally, she has no step-grand children.)
I have three step-grand children and believe I love them as much as I would a biological grand child (I do not have a blood-related grand child). I understand many people, not just my friend, would dispute my opinion. However, I also believe no person completely knows another person; in fact, I do not believe I know myself entirely (which is partly why I find "maturing" so fascinating). Repeatedly I have witnessed my perceptions, feelings, and attitudes change over time. So what makes me so sure I would love my step-grand children as much as a biological grand child? The answer is because, although it may sound harsh, I have loved other non-blood-related people in my life as much as and often even more than my biological relatives.
From where does my way of thinking and feeling come? It comes from my belief in God and my understanding of what He desires my belief to be. Call me gullible, but since childhood I have believed the truest essence and purpose of life is to love what God has created and to take care of ourselves and others around us. I also believe in His instruction to stay surrounded by others who love and care for me and remove myself from those who do not. Fortunately, people who were and people who are excellent role models have raised me in the sense I believe a growing human being should be nurtured and guided. Sadly, they are not my biological parents or siblings. However, my relatives play and played a crucial part in forming the package I am, so there is much credit to be given to them as my life's journey would be much different without them. I truly do cherish my life experiences, so thanks be to them.
I also accept the biblical instruction of a wife joining her husband's family. In the case of extended families, this can be confusing and frustrating but also very rewarding. Being a "step" anything has unique challenges, but spouses fare much better as a couple when they embrace each other's children. My God has increasingly provided me with enough love to do that, and I will stand just as closely by my step-children's and step-grand children's sides as I will my blood-related daughter's side any moment of any day. In time, I miss all of their voices and need to hear them on the phone if not able to do so in person. If there are events to which I am able to attend, I do. Luckily, I have no guilt of having favoritism. I cherish each and every one of them in a very special way that cannot be "measured" one against the other.
Other people's comments about how they believe I do or will feel are welcomed. It gives me an outside-of-myself examination to perform. This latest repeated statement has caused me to dig deep within, and I can honestly say that the extent of love I have for people who are special to me does not short change any of them. I have seen this degree of love in other people as well, so I know this is not a personal fantasy. I am so grateful for God's grace of love. Because of it, what I consider to be "my family" stretches way beyond my biological family, and the joy in my life is so much more increased. The ultimate thrill is my daughter's sense of kinship and family towards people -- of all ages -- she has met who she knows are a precious part of my life, as well as her feelings for her step siblings and their kids not even including a "step" in the equation of our family unit.
The old saying about not fully understanding from where another person comes until you have walked in his/her shoes is so true. Making assumptions comes so easily. Accepting when we have missed the mark can sometimes be difficult. We all make mistakes. We all have the opportunity to learn about and improve ourselves and, hopefully, make fewer and fewer mistakes. No doubt, I will forever be in the "classroom of learning." But I am so indebted to what God has taught me Himself, and through the wonderful people in my life -- both alive and deceased, about the meaning of "love" and "family." Oh -- it is so much more than a bloodline.
Believe what you will; but to me, we really are all brother and sisters, and I will continue to abide with the ones who do not bring me down but rather help me climb to a higher standard of personal integrity and spirituality. As for my daughter and my husband's kids and their families, there is no "step" in my heart. To me, we are family, and I believe a strong one. So, while I respect the love my friend has for her grand children, I praise and will continue to hold dear the amount of love I have been given the capacity to hold and give.
Maeke Ermarth © January 1, 2012
Very well stated, Maeke. I concur wholeheartedly. As you said, each of us has a different belief in what "love" is. I have known some who love in measured amounts, perhaps to avoid being hurt. I have known some who know only "their kind" of love which, I'm quite certain, is different from mine...theirs is more conditional, and more restricted. And, I know, it is not my place to judge their concept of love, but just to take joy in the love I have given and the love I have received. As it has been said, "Just because someone loves you differently than you love them, doesn't mean they aren't loving you with all they have to give. I think it can also be said, fairly, that not everyone's idea of love can fulfill everyone of our needs. Some may need deep and constant commitment, while some may be more comfortable with a more relaxed and less tightly grasped relationship. Who's place is it, besides the parties involved, to judge the quality of their relationship...for what's right for one couple may not be right for another. Thought-provoking subject, to be sure....
ReplyDelete